I know i am at the state of not caring what people think, maybe not completely, but most of the time, now, at this phase of my life, especially today, i really do not have a care in the world.

You go through day by day, thinking to yourself, who the fuck am i. What the fuck am i doing. Am i sad. Am i happy. Am i doing ok. Hows my family. Hows my friends. Shit, i dont even know what the fuck is going on with my best friends' life as of now. I really am a shitty person, a shitty friend. Ofcourse there are times i feel absolutely fucking happy that even sunshines come out from your fucking asses. But shit happens. And when that happens, is it not okay for me to be alone? Just for a fucking while? Is it shitty that i dont feel like talking about my feelings? Is it not okay for me to take a fucking time off, from EVERYTHING?? Can you grasp the idea i might disappear for awhile. Can you not be a fucking sensitive old banana when i dont reply to your texts/calls/bullfuckingcrapssxxx??? Why is it that people think i do not appreciate them, when i do not on their fucking buttholes 24 FUCKING 7? CHILL SERIOUSLY. Hello, im right here. Im not going anywhere. Come over to my workplace if you want, come see me if you want, talk to me if you want. I am right fucking here. Blab away. I JUST DONT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME, OR THE ENERGY, RIGHT NOW, TO SIFT THROUGH WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS IN YOUR HEAD. JUST TELL ME I CANT READ MINDS HELLO. Stop treating me like a lunatic juvenile dipshit, THANKSZ A BUNCH.


My life became 600% better when i started acting like a self obsessed piece of shit like 10/10 would recommend

Even if u don’t actually genuinely love yourself its fuckin fun to act like you think you’re the human embodiment of perfection. Life’s too short to not fall in love with yourself.


You two break up.doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompassing, all everything. 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. Now is the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everyday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nano-bits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidentally. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that will have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. And you'll know you're on the road to recovery. 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on the site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. And the universe will take care of the rest.Time has ways of smoothing things. 

Your best bet is to occupy your time, better yourself, knowing that you deserve someone who is good for you, that wants you back. 

“People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.

But sometimes it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up

And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl gray tea makes you miss them so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.”

— Rosie Scanlan, On Missing Them
I'll take care of you, when your world bends, when the buildings break and I'll find you straight lines that hold you steady.

Because you'll need to take care of me, when my world does the same.

I wrote this for you
“Don’t ever compliment me by insulting other women. That’s not a compliment, it’s a competition none of us agreed to.”

Fri Feb 21 12.25 PM

It's day 5, back at my parents'. Also been spending 5 of that beautiful days, resting at home, pants-less. Feels good to be home, smothered in your own mess and 20 of your annoying cats. Though as much as i love having so many 'nothings' to do, i am bored out of my mind over here. I've been running around the front lawn (still pants-less btw) taking pictures of trees and cats. I could have chosen otherwise, but obligation tends to tie you. It's been months since the last time i spent this much time at home. It's only fair that i spend these last bits of my semester break with my mother.

I dont know how i feel about this upcoming semester. The last one was a complete struggle, knowing amiza and how she has trouble fitting in right away with the crowd (Ah, the habit of always referring to myself in the third person). The course itself is already a challenge . It was hard at first- nobody seemed to want to really help and i didn't quite communicate my need for help effectively, so it was initially understandable. i know the nature of my inner working is to do things by myself and that was what i did- i taught myself how to do it. I did not produce miracles, but it was a breakthrough for me.

I guess, what bothers me most is how exhausting and dissapointing it is to throw yourself out of your comfort zone, asking for assistance, wanting to do better, and be ignored. That, and the bitter realization of how self-absorbed some of them are.  A few of them tried to be helpful, as much as they knew how, and i greatly appreciate the gesture. I do not disregard the possibility of blowing this out of proportion by looking at only a small corner of it through a magnifying glass- because there is a particular girl in the group whom my reactions toward most of her actions are rolling of the eyeballs, highly suppressed sarcastic laugh, and unexplained annoyance. i am sure we all have someone we just are not fond of for no particular reason. but in this story, she wasn't the only one acting that way, so....


On a different note, i celebrated my 23rd last week. Time must have slipped from me because i could have sworn it felt like just last year i celebrated my 20th. Probably because that stretch of time isn't proportional to any exciting development in my life other than the usual friends i hang out with, and all the road trips i get to experienced. Other than that, nada. The recent backpacking trip did alot of wonders though, and that deserves a single post without a mix of my sappy-self-aborbed-whiny crap from my cluttered mind. I will update them, with pictures! Its just a matter of time...........

Until then! xx

Tue Feb 18 2:43 AM

Small things. Big things

I guess it all matters at some point. I love saying how much i dont care, but i do. I have it all, just almost everything. Still the world holds no peace. Always telling myself that im almost there, try harder. But everytime i do, i lose myself just a little bit more. Putting on different masks just to see if i could get there faster. I dont learn from my mistakes, i just go through it over and over again just to see how much pain i could endure. If i cant have it, then that's the thing i want most. I guess most of us are guilty of that. Only that, most people are wise enough to see it. But i dont.

I believe i've changed completely, but still the same person as i was back then. Less like myself and yet more like myself (Blah, im so bad at this). Strange isnt it, how we keep on changing to be few different people, trying on different masks but still remains on the same ground we used to stand. It's easy to pretend that everything's okay. Pain, agony, a pang of shit in your face. Swallowing them i say, would be an easy fix. Feeling it on the other hand... is a different story, entirely. There's no getting around that.

I’m still trying so hard to stay still, to breathe, and pause for a moment or two, to reflect the regrets and the actions made for all the times i’ve pushed myself down. And i thought i have spent enormous amounts of time thinking that growing up, i’ve become less and less affected by the things that people do/did or say/said to me behind my back. But no. Still a big giant emotional squid when it comes to this matter. Mushy as fuck

Sometimes i wish people would try to grasp it, heck i wish i could understand that looking for whatever it is i am looking for requires real effort. And most people like me, dont like putting in more effort than necessary. Because real effort requires strength and i dont think i have it in me right now.

I've been battling this fight a long time ago. Years passed but im still here, right on the same spot.

Mon Jan 6 8:30 AM

2013 has been one of the most grueling year of all but as bad as a year may have been, it couldn’t have been all bad so im counting my blessings anyway. Taking a step back and smile because i survived and im still standing tall on my own two feet. I’m thankful for every lesson learnt and every opportunity gained and every kind word said my way and every hug I got and every sunrise I got to wake up to and every burger I’ve bitten into.

The hardest lesson i've learned;
1. Took me quite some time to realize that rights, come with responsibilities. I choose how I live my life because it’s my right to make that choice and I take full responsibility for that choice. And i don’t have to defend, validate or change any of my choices for someone who thinks differently of me.

2. I believe in the saying of “You’re not a victim if you don’t allow it.” Trying to convince the man you love of your self-worth is pathetic and staying with a man who shatters your confidence on every level shows that you have no self-worth. It all works in an awful cyclical pattern.

3. Self-love is not a bad thing. You are not ugly, not selfish, not wicked if you put yourself first because, sometimes, loving someone unconditionally can be toxic too. All it takes is a moment to find your center and be at peace with yourself and the divinity within.

We make too big a deal of year ends and new years because we want closure and fresh beginnings. 

But i guess, starting over can sometimes be a blessing we need.

So cheers, to a fresh start.
Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out.

5.12am rants

it takes a lot of courage to get out of bed every morning and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is and the future seems bleak and the past is ugly and this fucking godawful present mocks me forever and ever and life feels like the biggest reason to stop living and i’m sorry my lack of faith disturbs you but you can never even begin to understand the madness that makes my stomach hurt every time i try to fight it.
"I think you need to fall inlove with the wrong person.
I think you need to fight and cry and sweat and bleed and fail.
I think you need to have bad relationships and bad breakups.
I think you need all of that so that when the right person and
the right relationship comes along you can sigh with relief and say,
“Ah yes. That is how its supposed to feel."

- Excerpt from “Conversations with my Mother”